Obama campaign's 'Operation Stargag' revealed

Fascinating details keep emerging about the diligence of the Obama campaign. Here's the latest: A share of the candidate's stunning success was due to a concerted effort to muzzle celebrity endorsements.

It was called "Operation Stargag."

Sources inside the campaign indicate that the gambit was hatched in secret meetings shortly after Oprah Winfrey issued her glowing endorsement on Larry King way back in May of 2007. Almost immediately, Obama and his closest advisors agreed the Hollywood fawning might give traction to the Republicans' elitism charge and could scuttle the campaign.

"Barack's feeling was, OK, it's Oprah, that's cool," said a well-placed but unnamed source. "But let's nip it right there."

Ms. Winfrey vowed to back off, but trouble soon arose elsewhere. "It was like a goddamn Hydra," said the source, referring to the mythological beast that grew two heads for every one chopped off.

A big concern was Madonna. "She's a bomb waiting to explode," said an e-mail intercepted by another unnamed source. The reference possibly harkened to the star's 2003 "American Life" video, in which she tossed a grenade at a George W. Bush look-alike.

Stargag enforcers allegedly had the Material Girl under control, but she slipped the leash in August with her infamous equating of McCain with Hitler and Obama with Ghandi. "We were lucky," said the source. "The Olympics were on. Nobody paid much attention."

Another huge area of worry, of course, was Michael Jackson. "You know, the rock-star thing, the part-black, part-white thing," said the source. "It was scary. We were sure he was going to try to get around us with another 'We Are the World' eruption." It is testimony to the vigor of the campaign that Jackson was somehow kept under wraps.

But of course there were slips. And when they came, they came fast and furious.

"AAGGH!" blistered an e-mail from a top campaign official. "Clooney! De Niro! Abdul-Jabbar! Hulk freaking Hogan, for god's sake! Can't you stop these people?"

"We're trying!" replied a flustered Stargag lieutenant. "It's like trying to cap a firehose!"

In desperation they hatched a scheme to divert some celebrities to McCain. That tactic, code-named "Operation Starshift," was only marginally successful

"OMG, you guys HAVE GOT TO DO BETTER!" screeched yet another e-mail from a top Obama aide. "Who's McCain got? Like, Lou Ferrigno? Pat Boone? Wilfred Brimley, fer cryin' out loud?"

"Now wait a minute," came the clearly miffed reply. "We got Eastwood to go over. And Victoria Jackson. And, uh, Erik Estrada."

The reply was unprintable.

Eventually the Obama campaign began raiding its massive war chest to finance various distractions. Funds were diverted to help produce the film "Max Payne," on the proviso that a role be found for Ludacris. For a generous donation, the hurricane relief effort in Haiti agreed to take on Matt Damon.

No doubt their greatest coup came next. In return for massive appearance fees and a new Bentley, A-Rod agreed to squire Madonna around until mid-November.

The rest, as they say, is Hollywood history.

J. Mudcat Miller