A Christmas Carol Ann Howell

I'll be home, like, sometime,
don't wait up for me,
all my friends will be at Jen's
so that's where I will be.

Christmas Eve will find me
at the mall with Trevor.
I'll be home for Christmas,
like, sometime,
stop bugging me,
whatever.

The Ten Steps of Sudden Celebrity (as exhibited most recently in the curious cases of Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber)

1. Rush of excitement/media fanfare

2. Intense media scrutiny of past missteps, embarrassments

3. Public humiliation, revulsion, repudiation

4. Subject complains of media mishandling

5. Sympathetic stories appear

6. Other celebrities express support

7. Public loses interest

8. Plucky comeback

9. Back to obscurity

10. Book deal

Launching Operation OYEAH

PLEDGE: The following is not an economic recovery plan. I know it's rare to see anything else these days, but I promise this isn't.

Instead, it's a proposed way of supporting whatever economic strategies President-elect Obama and his team come up with. Kind of a recovery amplifier.

It goes like this:

Lots of people are handy with tools. In fact, it's almost unAmerican to admit that you couldn't, for instance, whip together a pretty decent shed in a couple of hours, given the proper materials.

So we make an offer to these millions of handy Americans. Instead of sitting around drinking beer all day Saturday, why not volunteer some time to help fix up your neighborhood? Why not bring your tools and work on improving the disintegrating houses / barns / train stations / schools / whatever in your town?

What's in it for you? For each hour you pitch in, you earn (or can gallantly decline) a certain amount of tax credit. You also get a strong jolt of that wonderfully American barn-raising spirit, with hearty overtones of accomplishment, community closeness and civic pride.

And your returns keep coming because your efforts have long-range impacts. Your neighborhood starts to look better and become more desirable, which increases the value of your home. Uninhabitable houses become habitable, creating more affordable housing, helping young families get their first shot at home ownership, and making your town more vibrant.

I know I'm still a little drunk on the good feelings uncorked by Obama's victory, but I believe that this project can work and can help bring about the closer, stronger America so many of us are hoping to see.

One more benefit: It's a chance to get involved in the process. Rather than just sit back and hope for the best from the new administration, this project will let us invest some sweat to help make it come true.

All that remains, other than putting it in action, is to give it a catchy name. I propose OYEAH, for Organize Your Efforts And Help, but I'm hopeful it will be more popularly known by its homonym: OYAA (Off Your Ass, America).

*FITNESS NOTE: In terms of exercise, an hour of shoveling is worth at least an hour in the gym, and you don't have to pay for it.

J. Mudcat Miller

What? You've missed Miller's columns in the LIBN?

It has been sadly pointed out to me that many people, for one reason or another, have been hideously deprived of my columns all about the East End in Long Island Business News. Mainly, the problem is that they don't get the damn paper. I understand this. Shrinking economy, other selfish uses for the money, blah blah. So here's a solution: simply Google jdmiller49 and prepare to be bathed in a gushing torrent of milk and honey, unless that metaphor in any way disgusts you.

At the bottom, after gorging yourself on the first couple pages of columns, it will say lots of other similar pages are available with a click. FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T HESITATE. These columns purport to be about business, but really they're subtle jewels encapsulating life on our wonderful twin forks and, to extrapolate just a bit, our planet.

Good hunting.

Obama campaign's 'Operation Stargag' revealed

Fascinating details keep emerging about the diligence of the Obama campaign. Here's the latest: A share of the candidate's stunning success was due to a concerted effort to muzzle celebrity endorsements.

It was called "Operation Stargag."

Sources inside the campaign indicate that the gambit was hatched in secret meetings shortly after Oprah Winfrey issued her glowing endorsement on Larry King way back in May of 2007. Almost immediately, Obama and his closest advisors agreed the Hollywood fawning might give traction to the Republicans' elitism charge and could scuttle the campaign.

"Barack's feeling was, OK, it's Oprah, that's cool," said a well-placed but unnamed source. "But let's nip it right there."

Ms. Winfrey vowed to back off, but trouble soon arose elsewhere. "It was like a goddamn Hydra," said the source, referring to the mythological beast that grew two heads for every one chopped off.

A big concern was Madonna. "She's a bomb waiting to explode," said an e-mail intercepted by another unnamed source. The reference possibly harkened to the star's 2003 "American Life" video, in which she tossed a grenade at a George W. Bush look-alike.

Stargag enforcers allegedly had the Material Girl under control, but she slipped the leash in August with her infamous equating of McCain with Hitler and Obama with Ghandi. "We were lucky," said the source. "The Olympics were on. Nobody paid much attention."

Another huge area of worry, of course, was Michael Jackson. "You know, the rock-star thing, the part-black, part-white thing," said the source. "It was scary. We were sure he was going to try to get around us with another 'We Are the World' eruption." It is testimony to the vigor of the campaign that Jackson was somehow kept under wraps.

But of course there were slips. And when they came, they came fast and furious.

"AAGGH!" blistered an e-mail from a top campaign official. "Clooney! De Niro! Abdul-Jabbar! Hulk freaking Hogan, for god's sake! Can't you stop these people?"

"We're trying!" replied a flustered Stargag lieutenant. "It's like trying to cap a firehose!"

In desperation they hatched a scheme to divert some celebrities to McCain. That tactic, code-named "Operation Starshift," was only marginally successful

"OMG, you guys HAVE GOT TO DO BETTER!" screeched yet another e-mail from a top Obama aide. "Who's McCain got? Like, Lou Ferrigno? Pat Boone? Wilfred Brimley, fer cryin' out loud?"

"Now wait a minute," came the clearly miffed reply. "We got Eastwood to go over. And Victoria Jackson. And, uh, Erik Estrada."

The reply was unprintable.

Eventually the Obama campaign began raiding its massive war chest to finance various distractions. Funds were diverted to help produce the film "Max Payne," on the proviso that a role be found for Ludacris. For a generous donation, the hurricane relief effort in Haiti agreed to take on Matt Damon.

No doubt their greatest coup came next. In return for massive appearance fees and a new Bentley, A-Rod agreed to squire Madonna around until mid-November.

The rest, as they say, is Hollywood history.

J. Mudcat Miller

New columnist debuts; evildoers tremble

Let the universe take note of the debut of our new columnist, WT Davidson of Nashville, Tennessee. WT will be covering the neuroscience/funkadelia beat. His first dispatch appears below.